-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-And finally, New Rule.

I know, it's supposed to be
that magical time of year,

but maybe,
what we all really need

right now,
is a good dose of realism.

I see a lot of nativity scenes
when I'm out,

as you always do
before Christmas.

And I can't help thinking

about where that manger
really is.

It's in the West Bank
on Palestinian land,

controlled
by the Palestinian authority.

In 1950,
the little town of Bethlehem

was 86 percent Christian,
now it's overwhelmingly Muslim.

And that's my point tonight,
things change.

To 2.3 billion Christians,
there can be no more sacred site

than where their Savior was born
but they don't have it anymore.

And yet, no Crusader Army
has geared up to take it back.

Things change.
Countries, boundaries, empires.

Palestine was under
the Ottoman Empire

for 400 years, but today,
an ottoman is something

you put under your feet.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
-(CLEARS THROAT)

The city of Byzantium

became the city
of Constantinople,

became Istanbul.
Not everybody liked it,

but you can't keep arguing
the call forever.

The Irish had the entire island
to themselves,

but the British were starting
an Empire,

and well,
the Irish lost their tip.

-(SMACKS LIPS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

-They, uh...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)

They blew each other up
over it for 30 years,

but eventually everybody comes
to an accommodation,

except the Palestinians.

Was it unjust

that even a single Arab family
was forced to move

upon the founding
of the Jewish state? Yes.

But it's also not rare.

Happening all through history,
all over the world,

and mostly what people do
is make the best of it.

After World War II,
12 million ethnic Germans

got shoved out of Russia,
and Poland, and Czechoslovakia

because being German had become
kind of unpopular.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

A million Greeks were shoved
out of Turkey in 1923,

a million Ghanaians
out of Nigeria in 1983,

almost a million French
out of Algeria in 1962,

nearly a million Syrian refugees
moved to Germany

eight years ago.
Was that a perfect fit?

And no one knows more
about being pushed off land...

(SCOFFS) ...than the Jews.

Including being
almost wholly kicked out

of every Arab country
they once lived in.

-Yes, TikTok fans. Ethnic--
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Ethnic cleansing happened
both ways.

In Fiddler on the Roof,
the family is always moving

to stay one step ahead
of the Cossacks,

but they deal with it.

When they're leaving Anatevka,
they say,

"Hey, it wasn't so great
anyway."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

(CHUCKLES)

"Come on. Like other countries
don't have roofs

-you could fiddle on."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-(CHUCKLES)
-BILL MAHER: Now...

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Now, that's not
how they really felt,

but they were coping.
They coped.

Because sometimes,
that's all you can do.

History is brutal
and humans are not good people.

History is sad
and full of wrongs,

but you can't make them unhappen

because a paraglider
isn't a time machine.

People get moved,
and yes, colonized.

Nobody was a bigger colonizer
than the Muslim army

that swept out
of the Arabian Desert

and took over much of the world
in a single century.

And they didn't do it
by asking.

There's a reason
Saudi Arabia's flag is a sword.

Kosovo was the cradle
of Christian Serbia,

then it became Muslim.

They fought a war about it
in the '90s, but stopped.

They didn't keep it going
for 75 years.

There were deals on the table

to share the land
called Palestine.

In 1947, '93, '95, '98,

2000, 2008.

And East Jerusalem
could have been the capital

of a Palestinian state
that today might look

more like Dubai than Gaza.

Arafat was offered 95 percent
of the West Bank,

and said no.

The Palestinian people
should know, your leaders

and the useful idiots
on college campuses

who are their allies
are not doing you any favors

by keeping alive
"The River to the Sea" myth.

I mean where do you think
Israel is going?

-Spoiler alert, nowhere.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

It's one of the most
powerful countries in the world

with the 500-billion-dollar
economy,

the world's second largest
tech sector

after Silicon Valley,
and nuclear weapons.

They're here,
they like their bagel

-with a shmear, get used to it.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

What's happening to Palestinians
today is horrible,

and not just in Gaza,
in the West Bank too.

But wars end with negotiation

and what the media glosses
over is--

It's hard to negotiate

when the other side's
bargaining position

is you all die and disappear.

(SCOFFS) I mean, the chant
"From the River to the Sea."

Yeah, let's look at the map.

Here's the river,
here's the sea.

Oh, I see,
it means you get all of it.

Not just the West Bank

which was basically the original
UN partition deal you rejected

because you wanted all of it
and always have.

Even though, it's indisputably

also the Jews'
ancestral homeland.

And so, you attacked and lost.
And attacked again and lost.

And attacked again and lost.

As my friend, Dr. Phil says,
"How's that working for you?"

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

Look at what Mexico used to own.

All the way up
to the top of California,

but no Mexican is out there
chanting,

"From the Rio Grande
to Portland, Oregon."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

Because they chose
a different path.

They got real
and built a country

that's the world's 14th biggest
economy now.

Because they knew
the United States

wasn't going to give back
Phoenix,

any more than Hamas will ever be
in Tel Aviv.

-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-One of...

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

One of the leaders
of Hamas says...

(SCOFFS)
I'm sorry, who's the one

with imaginary dreams?

If I give you the benefit
of the doubt and say your plan

for a completely Jew-less
Palestine

isn't that all the Jews
should die.

(SMACKS LIPS)
What is the only other option?

They move.
You move all the Jews.

(SCOFFS)
Okay, I got to warn you,

there's gonna be some kvetching.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

(SCOFFS)

You move all the Jews
and we do this with what?

A fleet of trucks
called Jew-haul.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

And to where are we moving
this entire country? Texas?

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Sure, they have room

and I guess we could put
the Wailing Wall on the border

and kill two birds
with one stone.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
-Or we could just get serious.